God has walked me through a lot of things in my life and in my past. I struggled with cutting for about three years growing up and through very deep and dark depression. I was full of self-condemnation and guilt, a lot of that stuff in my life.
It got to the point where I really hated who I was. I didn’t even remember, or I couldn’t recognize myself in the mirror. And I remember getting to the end of myself and I read this verse in the Bible, Psalm 147:3 that says, “He is near to the brokenhearted and He binds up their wounds.” And I just – my heart stopped. I was like, “Really?” Because I tried so hard, so desperately for so long to try to fix myself, and you know, try to numb away my pain, and nothing worked. I was just so broken, and so really I grabbed a hold of that verse and I begged God, you know, to just heal me. And I knew at that point I had to kind of give up control because I was trying to hold onto my life and fix things myself and control my life. And I knew at that point I had to just lay it down. And I needed Him.
And so He began this healing process in me. And it’s like any other addiction that someone has, you work through it. It’s real hard to cut cold turkey, but through the process of healing, with me and the Lord, He began to really show me what love and grace means. I had always heard those words growing up. I grew up in a Christian home, but I never understood what His love meant, or grace and I remember the first time. I didn’t cut for about two months, and I was really proud of myself. I was like, “Yeah, I’ve got this.” And then I relapsed and I cut. And usually that would send me into this spiraling depression that I’m not good enough, all these condemning words and guilt would come back. And for the first time the voices were gone. And it was like I felt God pick me up and say, “Okay, let’s try this again.” And it was the coolest, weirdest thing. I mean, I almost had to look back and go, “Really, that’s it?” He’s like, “Yep, let’s try this again.” And the first time I started realizing, that’s what grace is, that’s what God’s love means. It doesn’t change. He’s the same yesterday, today and forever. Which was amazing to me, because I had never known that kind of love.