Iím Deah and this is My World.
All my life, all I was looking for was to become perfect; be the best at everything. Pressures that people were putting on me, there were people that wanted me to be a dancer, a doctor, a choreographer, music teachers would be like music. I had to be the best. I couldnít handle everything that was being imposed on me and I just wanted a way out.
I got pretty into speed because I knew it made you lose weight. Taking speed meant I didnít have to sleep so I could work harder than anyone else. I was shooting up 10 times a day. Then it backfired on me and I got drug induced schizophrenia. That wasnít a good look for me. I was just hearing voices all the time. And then I started injecting heroin. That was where I found a peace that I never felt before. I though ughÖ that is freedom. When I took drugs I thought I was meeting God. I thought I was spiritual, I felt enlightened. I was going through Buddism, Shamanism, it was all to become perfect. But that pressure of I still have to prove myself.
The last time I used heroin I stopped for a period, but I was in a high pressure situation, I was in a major record deal, the album wasnít going well, I didnít know where to turn, and the bulimia was sky rocketing. I called my boyfriend when I was going to start up again, and I didnít realize that he was a Christian. I didnít realize that Jesus lived in him, and I was actually asking Jesus to sit on the phone with me as I was going to shoot up. And I called him up and I said, ďCan you please stay on the phone with me? Because Iím about to shoot up and I donít want to die and if I black out please send an ambulance.Ē
So I sat down and I tried to do this, and I picked up my arm, I was ready to go, and as I went to inject this drug, I just felt this compassion and this love just consume me. I just couldnít do it. And I squirted it out, and that was the last time I used heroin. I know now that itís my Father God, thatís my Daddy Godís love for me. In His eyes I was perfect and I was always just looking to become perfect. I didnít realize that I couldnít do it. He had to do it, and all I had to do was say yes to that.